To Say I Do Or Not To Say I Do

Having been divorced for going on 27 years now, I often get asked, mostly by married people, "Why have you never remarried?" My mother and step-father used to ask me this every time I saw them when they were still alive once I hit the 5-year mark of being divorced. My answer was always the same when they asked, "I just haven't met the right person." Once in a while, I would add, "I don't have time for a relationship" or "My focus is on my kids." And to be honest, they were all the truth, but none more than the fact that my focus was on my children and being the best mother I could be to them.

Don't get me wrong, I made plenty of mistakes as a mom, and I dated plenty over the years. But, the basic fact is, when push came to shove and the relationships started to get serious enough to possibly include the children, I just couldn't bring myself to change our family dynamic. My kids and I had a routine and a bond that was too important to me to incorporate someone else into the mix. It was important to me for them to know they were and would always be my priority in life. That's not to say that the message wasn't lost on them at different points in their lives. However, now that they are grown, married, and have a child of their own, things have come full circle. They understand that bond between a child and their parent from the other side of the coin which has brought us closer in a lot of ways.

Occasionally, I still reflect on my mom or stepfather's simple question with the not-so-simple answer, and I hear the tones in their voices as they ask, which brings me to realize, they were asking more for themselves than for me. And, all too often I hear that tone in other people's voices when they ask me this question. This has brought me to understand that they are searching for answers about their own marriages, life choices, and inner selves.

Both my mother and my stepfather were each other's fourth marriage. They were the type of people who craved adventure but couldn't stand being alone, which tended to land them in one unhappy relationship after another and unable to understand anyone who chose to be single over being a couple. Their marriage was not a happy arrangement. In the end, they died angry, and bitter, something I have chosen not to allow to rule my life.

When I think about the situations that brought them to ask me this question, it occurs to me that they were actually asking me for guidance toward happiness. Not trying to push me to get married again. They always looked at me as though I was living a happy life; never seeing my lonely times, or depression that would take hold when life was at its worst. They only saw the facade that I put out there for my loved ones and the world to see. It wasn't until I was much older and I came out about my chronic depression since childhood that anyone recognized that I could be happy being single and still be fighting my own inner demons. But, that's a topic for another blog.

My point here is, just because you are alone doesn't mean you are or have to be lonely. I have watched these individuals that I have mentioned above, some of which have been married for decades, living much lonelier lives than I have ever felt. Loneliness is a mindset. It is not about whether you are single, married, or even dating a dozen people. It is about self-acceptance and loving yourself. The irony in my mother's story is that she was an extremely narcissistic martyr personality who never found peace in loving and accepting herself. The same can be said for my stepfather, but he had other issues as well.

To be truly happy whether you are with someone or by yourself you first have to like who you are, both your imperfections and your perfect you. It has taken me 56 years of trial and error, 5 and half years of being a nomad, and a lifetime of soul-searching to understand what enlightened people have been telling me my whole life, even though I have been living this path for most of my adulthood. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. In order to have any kind of happy relationship, you must first love who you are and accept yourself, because if you don't how can you expect anyone else to love and accept you for you? You must have a happy relationship with you.

Please take these thoughts and insights as they are intended, a reflective look at life as a single mother, grandmother, person, and individual. I am not a therapist or life coach of any kind. I am simply a woman who aspires to be inspired as I inspire others. I'm still finding my path while working on self-improvement and will continue to do so until the day I die; as I hope you will.